Keys, Doors, and Time

When I graduated from University I remember it being a bittersweet moment. I remember the feeling of accomplishment and the feeling of doubt. I achieved a degree. I did it, and I did it running at full speed. In life there are many paths with many doors and getting handed that diploma, or rather a token that symbolized the certification to come, was like getting handed a key to a whole new wing of doors. When I began to descend down the stairs, key in hand, the doubt came. Which doors should I open and what if I do not like what I find? Can I close a door after I open it? Life seemed so much more real when I sat down. Suddenly I didn't want my key. I wanted to keep the life I had been living with friends and school that had allowed me protection from hard decisions. I did not trust myself to make the right choices.

Yeah thats me getting a diploma and handing off a tootsie roll...

Two days later I confided my feelings to a couple of friends and one of them said to me “hey Trevan you are not relying on God. Pray about and God will lead you”. I hear this and think “Really? You think that in this whole whirlwind of decisions and opportunities and worry I have forgotten to pray or that I have forgotten about God?” These are cute phrases that make the person who says them feel like they have done something good but in reality they mean nothing, at least to me they mean nothing. Most of us in the faith have already applied our faith to our lives, reminders are great but let's be honest, if you are Christian and you have an issue, do you just wallow in it until someone “reminds” you that there is a God? I don't think so, but maybe that's just me. Further more let me point out that often times God doesn't do anything which is, in effect, doing something. Many times when I pray to God about an issue I am calmed and comforted by his presence in my life but seldom relieved the immediate problem at hand. I once made this statement to a former pastor of mine and he said it was lack of faith that stayed problems from being remedied by God. I wonder how that goes over with the single mother of two who just got evicted because she couldn't make the rent.

A bit off topic. Back to bittersweetness and the whole key thing. I didn't trust myself and was becoming more concerned with the options life had lain out (actually, the lack there of). Many of those who had gone before me had described a trial period with the real world in which they got a new job, tried to put together a budget, and spent much time feeling lonely. I didn't think this would happen to me until I walked off that platform. Everyone had their own keys and in my worry I felt myself wishing I could follow someone through whatever door they chose. Not a usual feeling for me, I am used to being large and in charge at the time I was just feeling large.

I was lucky enough to have a summer camp job that allowed me to stave off having to come up with a real life plan for a little longer. Eventually I got a call to come to Korea and teach English. This was a job that I applied for and had been turned down for early last year and to be honest, I applied for it as a last resort. I mean I am the first person to jump in a plane and go anywhere, but Asia has always been last on my list after I have covered all of Africa, South America, and Europe. Life was coming fast though and I had to do something. So I shoved my key in the door of Korea and guess what? I got a new job, put together a budget, and felt lonely.

No bake cookie making, a first for many...

So why I am writing this? To be depressing or throw the cold reality of life in your face? Actually there has been some light in this existence. Time has taught me a few things. First of all, you cannot close a door that you have opened, but one door always leads to at least two others and some may lead back to where you started. Second, we must experience time where we feel lonely and face adversity in order to really understand what we are capable of and what we want for ourselves. Finally, time is the remedy for life. Time doesn't always heal wounds but it has allowed me a chance to think, it has given me an opportunity to discover what I love and what I hate, it has allowed me to make plans to improve my own situation. I have decided that life is often a confusing and difficult step to take but you would be dead with out it.